April 2023 has been a tough and delightful month for me, filled with celebration, festivities, grief, loved ones, travel, friendships & the big one… This month has been all about me. So I am going to share that part with you.
April has been about what I want, what I am feeling and giving myself the time I need. Which, if you know me, isn't my norm & I am reflecting a lot lately on who I really am and what I really want because I always thought I knew who I was, what I wanted and where I would be.... but it seems as if I don't. So let me explain!
Being a former teen mom when I travelled, especially to the US, I would always look for certain items for my family. shoes, certain clothes, snacks... a big portion of my shopping budget would go into shopping for them & that's the way it's always been. But, after moving to Kamloops travel hasn't been big in my life... because any travel we did was back home to Penticton so we could see our friends and loved ones here. And when we moved back it was about being home with my parents, siblings and all four of my children. Then covid happened and I am still picking up the pieces of my broken heart and becoming this new me after my sister left us behind to join the ancestor's... So Not much for travel since my kids were teens (because we moved to Kamloops in 2014). I had a few trips where I was a ride a long, a few trips where I drove my daughter and niece/s to places… for concerts, sight seeing, etc… so it’s been a while since I traveled for something that wasn’t related to funerals, or was for or about someone/ something else. Last time I took a “for fun” vacation for me, was when my family were teenagers.
So when I went to San Francisco last week - my brain went into teen mom mode... buy clothes, shoes and snacks... and I realized when I was packing to come home that my off spring are adults and that even if my brain tells me to do these things for them, because they don't expect these things from me, they don't ask these of me, it's just what I've always done and it's who I have always been or should I say who I was and who I used to be, because I am no longer a teen mom or a mom of littles or even a mom of teenagers... I have adult offspring and even though I always knew that, because in other areas of my life, I know this full well, but it's like it just hit me... I am still buying these when I don’t need to, I did it when I went to Idaho, I did it when I went to Seattle and again to San Fransicco. I buy these things not out of need or upon request, but I buy them out of love and because it’s a habit… and seeing me put everything away as we packed up our luggage put everything into perspective. and TBH If it wasn't for Mr J buying me the things I picked out for myself that I was going to put back because I was only going to buy the things for my crew... I wouldn't have the things I have for me, that I love! <3 So Thank you Mr J <3 and I realized if there was ever a time to do these things for me, it's now!
So I realized I need to teach myself to buy more for me and do more for me than I do for them and this is going to be hard because since I got pregnant at 15 (almost 30 years ago)... because at that moment everything I did stopped being about me because I became a mom so everything I did was for them. I went from being a kid, to just becoming a teenager and learning who I am to becoming a mom. So me shaping my identity was about being a mom and doing my best to be a mom. For almost 30 years my whole life was about them and I need to teach myself to make my life about me. I need to learn to accept that it’s ok to do things for me and buy things for me and just me! It's ok to make my life about me now. It's what I am supposed to do! This is what April has made me realize... specifically this is what San Francisco has taught me and for this, I will always remember... and be thankful for! <3 Thank you San Francisco! <3 You were a wonderful.
#freewrite
